Srsly-WTF: New Year's Resolutions

I'm not a firm believer on trying to change yourself just because it's a new year...

If you really, really need that as motivation to change something that everyone hates about you, just stop and David Carridine yourself (FATALITY). Change because you want too. Not because other people want you too. You're setting yourself up for failure and everyone that wants you to change, is betting against you that you'll still remain the heartless prick that everyone hates.

So save everyone the trouble and make your resolution be that, "In the year 2010, I vow to get 1 year older". Unless you die, you'll win. And if you do die, at least the rest of your friends will absolutely know for sure that you CANNOT keep, to doing anything right. See ya in hell, suckers.

The thing I hate about the holidays is all the pointless shit people do. Example: Getting 42 texts saying, "Merry Christmas". Is that really suppose to brighten my day? A fucking forward that every, lazy, pretend friend sends as well wishings for the holiday? That's worse than receiving a fruit cake from some non existent family member. So if you're that guy, vow in 2010 to not do that. I'd rather not have a message from you, so I can assume your dead and not have to worry about sending that fruit cake to your parents house.

"Ooo....Did someone say....cake.......and dick?"

 This also applies to those who accomplish this on Facebook, MySpace or any other social type of networking thing...

which comes to people who update online status' in the 1st Person.

"Generic Named Person thinks masterbating with mayonaise is phenomenal. " Don't do that, (no...not the beating off with mayo part, I heard it's divine). I'm sure people already assume, that you are personally updating your status, with your own thoughts. I would want to believe that there aren't dumbfuck people who have to question if your update was about you, or if those thoughts happen to be of some random person but I've been proven wrong before. You're not, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

The only people who can get away with this are the mentally handicapped kids back in high school that thought they were WWE wrestlers. Why, they would have a Facebook, I dunno. I'm sure their updates would be, "Danny Chonger lkjsssl; jksljd poop cookys hhH the gme tim 2 pay teh gme". 

But nevertheless, they would have insane battles with each other at lunch and challenge any other MHMR kids to title matches.  And if that didn't squash their beef, they would go to the restroom to have Penis Sword Fights. True story.

Douchebag McGee is climbing a big piece of shit named, the Rock.

People that should never change are: Cholos, Guidos, Juggalos and people that wear Ed Hardy. I say this because if you ever need someone to make fun of, there's always one of them around.

Whitest looking black dudes ever.

 No explanation needed.

See ya's in the 2010 people. Be safe.

Srsly-WTF: Shit That Should Not Be on ESPN.

There are a billion sports in the world...actual sports...

So I don't get when ESPN, my beloved ESPN, decides to waste my life with programs that require ZERO athletic ability from it's participants. Much less have 4 or 5 shows dedicated to this crap!

ANYTHING NASCAR/AUTO RACING/VEHICLES: There is nothing sadder than any person actually considering this as an actual sport. Much less, any person willing to pay hundreds of dollars to go to the track, sit for 4 hours, stare at 30 cars, doing the same thing...over and over again. "Yeah, but it's exciting because of the crashes." Well if you like shit like that, go hang out with Tiger, Moesha or any asian woman.

I suppose stupid concepts appeal to the stupid, inbred people.

If for some reason, you get a NASCAR leather jacket from me for Christmas, that means I really hate you and consider you a waste of life.

POKER: Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy gambling. I just don't need to sit and watch douchebags playing for 2 hours. On the other hand, dogs playing poker.... that totally rules.

Fuckin' cheating bulldog is hiding a card!!! Michael Vick doesn't like cheaters.

Finally, Lou Holtz should not be on ANY TV anymore. Lou, who are you trying to fool with your colored hair, dentures, saggy zombie-esque skin and radioactive colored tan. I'm sure he is a fantastic great, great, great, great, great, great grandpa, but man...HDTV is no friend to Lou.

I can't look at him without thinking he is about to die. I don't want to listen to him because he has more saliva in his mouth than Sylvester the Cat. Blah, anyone that can say that they are almost 2 centuries old shouldn't be on television. If I want your insight Lou, I'll ask you how Moses was and why Cane was such a dick to his brother. I'll ask about Pangaea and how long it took you to travel continents once the great split occurred.

And I say this with the utmost respect to Lou Holtz, I just have more respect for my eyes.

Srsly-WTF: Shit, People, Things....I Hate.

Since the holidays are within your pudgy finger's reach...

Why not make a list of all the crap that makes me want to blow my head off.

I'm not really big on late night talk shows. I'm getting old, so I need as much sleep as I can. Occasionally, I'll catch Conan, Letterman...just to see if he has any tips on picking up chicks. But if there was ever a waste of an hour, late night or not, Jimmy Fallon takes the cake on , "If he killed himself on stage on live tv, I wouldn't care...I'd still probably rather watch the Big City Slider informercials".

The guy is unbearable to watch. I was watching his monologue, which is a 5 minutes too long, 5 minute set...and it was painful. He is dull as hell, makes it seem like he is reading from the cue cards with the accuracy of a 2nd grader and just kills the punch lines with his Dave Matthews like delivery. By that, I mean he sucks.

Why they gave him his own show, I don't know. It's like when the casting director decided to cast Rosie O' Donnell and Dan Akroyd for, "Exit to Eden". Whatever the case, they must have been smoking some amazing shit, to think any of these decisions made sense.

If there's a few things we should know by now it's that:

Vampires DON'T: glitter, eat deer, get there hair and makeup professionally done, play baseball and especially don't give people piggy back rides when they fly.

I had an easier time believing they can be black.

Sigh, I shouldn't even go here...but if I saw this guy literally, choking on a dick,  you wouldn't see me rushing to the phone to call the paramedics.

End.

Srsly-WTF: Commercials that Need to Kill Themselves Already.

It's already bad enough that I have to sit through 5 minutes of commercials at a time...

But honestly, do I really need to sit through all the stupid shit thrown at me? I could easily walk away and pre-occupy myself with something more entertaining, like putting my head into a stove, but when my ass is parked in front of the tv watching sports, I'm harder to pull away from it then Ted Nugent at a slaughterhouse.

1. Those Coors Light commercials with the coaches need to fucking end. It wasn't funny the first time it came out 3 years ago and I understand those terrible "normal dude" actors need to eat, but srsly, die already. Just show those guys getting some decent ass on tv, thanks to Coors Light...and I'd be willing to buy your shit beer... maybe.

2. Anything Taco Bell. ANYTHING. Sure, they cater to the obese and socially awkward with there "4th Meal" plan, and I'm sure that gets some fat fuck hard at 1 am while flipping through channels, but that's not appealing to normal people. Black tacos? No one likes Black People, JK...no srsly....no one likes black people.

3. When the fuck was the last time that Jim Breuer was relevant?? Right? No one knows. I was gonna quote my buddy Albert, but I couldn't find his Tweet about him. Regardless, who the hell is the genius that smoked cracked and during a marketing meeting thought, "Hey...you know who would be good at selling pizza? Jim Fuckin' Breuer". And to add to his appeal, why not stick an annoying as fuck one line catch phrase on his ass, "JACKPOT"! I'm sure the mere mention of POT should have some sticking power in the minds of older people who remember him from Half Baked, but now a days, that's not relevant. Get a real smoking legend of today's time, like my friend Ervin.

He wasn't dressed up for Halloween, this was sometime Mid January. That's how blazed he was. 

I'm sure there are plenty of commercials I'm missing, but I'm still pissed about Jim Breuer. Fuck, I hate that guy.

Srsly WTF: Mexico

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So I have this amazing idea...

I blame everything that is bad in the world, EVERYTHING, on Mexico. Honestly, other than mexican food, can you name anything else good that came out of that fucked up country? You know what, I'm sure mexican food originated from some other country and they just stole it, fucking thieves. 

I haven't heard ONE good thing about that country, even in elementary school, the teacher would point out Mexico on the map and say, "Well there's Mexico...umm..it's below us?" That's as good as it gets, it's below the United States. 

Yeah, I saw, "A Day Without A Mexican", I don't think the impact of missing illegal Mexican workers in the US would be that great. The only reason they work all the shitty jobs is because they get to choose one of the following:

1. Selling tacos

2. Stealing shit

3. Selling drugs

4. Kill people

5. Or work on Primer Impacto

And of the 5% of Mexicans with morals that don't wanna do jobs 2-5, the other 2% of them are desperate enough to work as janitors here in the states for less than minimum wage.

Being hispanic, I am not stoked that the majority of the population in the US will soon become Latino. God dammit, it would be like the Liberal Arts Building at UTEP times 2348230948230948. You'd drive to fucking Wisconsin, thinking that would be last place you'd see them and BOOM! You'd hear Nextel Chirps, see bad haircuts and people wearing clothes that cost more than their house. 

I can't even find a picture of a fucking fresa. They're like vampires. But more annoying and super tanned.

 

Murders, Rapings, Corrupt EVERYTHING, Chupacabras, Swine Flu, Taco Bell Chihuahua,  AIDS - yes AIDS, Osama Bin Laden - (You do realize that he is just pissed that everyone thinks he looks like he's from Mexico), Those Wolf Boys that perform in the Circus,  Mexico has done nothing good. Nothing to cement it's mark on the World. If I were another planetary being and I visited Earth, and saw the big shit stain known as Mexico, I'd blow that bitch to smitherines.

 

Srsly WTF: Jon & Kate Plus 8 - Get AIDS Already.

Really... I am fucking blogging about Jon & Kate?

Maybe it's my extreme boredom, but these two have had it coming. I think today was the last straw, as I was going through my Facebook friends and saw a couple of posts about them. Honestly, these people should die and there kids be given to the Octomom, so she can sell them for more plastic surgery. I have had the unfortunate chance to watch an episode or two of this horrible show and I don't see the big deal about this. "They have 8 kids." - Uh, so. They're fucking rich. It shouldn't be that fucking hard for them to raise those little bastards. If they didn't have cameras on them 24/7, I'm sure they would have hired 3 nannies. Yeah, how fucking interesting would have that been? 

But for all it's worth, if I was Jon or Kate, I'd be pissed.

1. If I were Jon, I'd be pissed that Kate has potential to be hot, but chooses to look like a high school softball playing, soccer mom, twat eating lesbian.

 

2. If I were Kate, I would be super pissed because this dude I'm married to, is the douche bag, dude bro reincarnation of William Hung. All the Ed Hardy shirts in the world wouldn't cover up the fact that Jon is a pussbag. Fuck that, if I was a dude bro, I'd be fucking pissed! This cock sucker is making you guys look like dumb fucks, rocking your gear. If I was Ed Hardy, I'd pay him, NOT TO WEAR MY SHIT.

 

Also, did Jon artificially inseminate himself, because all his fucking kids are replicas of him. I see nothing of Kate. NOTHING. 8 little fucking William Hung's as my children, WTF I'd be furious as hell. Imagine gathering them up at your parents house for Christmas. Fuckin'  A! The grandparents would be confused as fuck as to why there is 8 Chinese dudes singin' "Livin' La Vida Loca". 

Either way, fuck em' both. 

 

Srsly WTF: Angry Mom at Kohl's

Last Time I Checked, It Wasn't 1964...

While being in the Rachel Ray section of Kohl's scouring for amazing deals on pots & pans, I overhear a very furious voice, cussing up a storm. Mind you, it was Labor Day weekend, and by no means, was the store empty. Regardless, this fact did not seem to deter this retarded woman, to yell at her kids and HIT THEM, in public. I don't think there kids were going crazy at the store and if they were, it's the parents fault for not teaching them how to behave in public. So in plain view of people, this woman states, 

"You motherfuckers, fucking behave! This is why I never take you little shits anywhere! You guys fucking embarrass me in public!" 

Then she proceeds to smack the shit out of one little boys over the head.

Not only did a million thoughts cross my mind at this moment, but flashbacks also came haunting me, as I instantly remembered how my mom would smack me with anything that was within her reach, shoes, boots, spoons, rollers, belts...didn't matter. At least....that was in the privacy of our own home.

 I truly felt bad for those boys, as they should feel embarrassed of their parents. They both wore faded biker gear, several sizes too small. Terrible tattoos, bad teeth...the whole nine yards. If you have to beat your kids, don't do it in public, you look like a jackass, regardless if your kids are doing dumb shit. Kindly and politely escort them to the restroom, then choke them. 

Srsly WTF: Craigslist = Shit

I'm on Craigslist, 24/7

And it never ceases to amaze me, the amount of utterly useless, broken, out of date crap that people post. Not only does that urk me, but just the fact that they make up these selling prices and think anyone in their right state of mind would pay that price. This crap was barely cool in the 70's and 80's, what makes people think it looks good 30 something years later. Some things don't get better with age, look at David Lee Roth, he is all sorts of fucked up.

 

I have to create a new site, dedicated to the sale of shitty stuff at reasonable prices. I'll call it Krangslist. In honor of Krang from TMNT, who for some reason always had useless devices that he devised to attempt to destroy the Ninja Turtles, and of course, time after time, it was an EPIC FAIL. Stupid Brain. ... thing.

 

 

Srsly WTF: Acid and Lightning Spitting...Um...Sausages?

This Picture Should Be Self Explanatory

 

If you're not in the know on the coolest things in Cryptozoology, then you're missing out. This my friend is the, "Mongolian Death Worm", yes... a worm that brings death....in Mongolia. They're anywhere in between 2 to 5 feet long. Yeah, baby Tremors. I wouldn't mess with them, for one, they shoot Sulfuric acid from there mouth, and if that doesn't freak you out, they shoot electricity, from there rectum. And if you so happen to be in Mongolia, for whatever reason and come across one of these bad boys, if you touch them, you die. God damn, Asia is fucked up. 

If you find one on Craigslist, let me know. I'd like to purchase one.

If you have a problem with them breeding in your yard, there's only one man to call, to exterminate them:

Kevin Bacon

 

 

Srsly WTF: Restaraunt Douche Bags

Last Night

I don't understand when people are fucking rude. Especially when you're polite and kindly apologize like the gentleman you were brought up to be. Needless to say, rushing to a table for some delicious wings and cheap booze, we are informed by this middle aged dude and his wife (Both in very demeaning tones of voice) that, "This is our table, we reserved it." We then kindly apologized to his majesty and made way to wait. Then a few thoughts came to mind:

1. This is an establishment that runs on serving appetizers, I doubt reservations are needed.
2. Why the fuck is he wearing a gold chain?
3. Why would any self respecting middle-aged man think it was cool to bring his wife to a place where young people hang out?
4. I bet you, he plays softball on Sundays/beats his wife/his wife beats him.



10 minutes pass, we are seated with drink in hand. We notice he and his lady are at the bar, complaining, because apparently they believe that they should be served ASAP and shouldn't have to wait, regardless of the amount of people ahead of them. So of course, Karma being awesome, we get our orders way before they do, have a chuckle with the server, watching as they storm off furious, realizing the fact that assholes never win. Ever.